Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can't use nicknames at work anymore

   Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.

   The SPCA needs to open a bar. I know a ton of guys that bring home dogs from the bar.

   Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.

   All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?

   Let's face it, Facebook is just a place for people seeking attention and tweeter is a place where they hope someone, anyone, will listen.

   Fellas: Let a woman wear the pants in a relationship. They are coming off later anyways!

   cereal is dead to me now....what happened to choosing the best toy

   thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again

   Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.

   The only thing an optimist and a procrastinator ever need say to each other is 'tomorrow.'

   #Facebook will be worth even more someday to the alien scientists trying to determine why humans perished.

   I'm kind of scared about what the future is going to bring...Pretty soon were all going to have microchips inplanted in our heads...We'll be able to take and upload pictures just by a blink of an eye.

   Our argument would be more impressive if either one of us knew what we're talking about.

   It sucks when you're trick or treating and someone has a really long driveway that you actually took the time to walk up and they don't have candy.

   If you look at your shot glass as half-empty, not only are you a pessimist but you obviously have no idea how to really drink.

   I hadn't planned on doing anything today. So far, I am right on schedule!

   The hardest part about being Nicolas Cage is that you're having every single emotion all the time.

   Women just want to be told they're beautiful. Especially the good looking ones.

   I don't know why you're here, but I'm just here to have fun.