Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   In 2015 Colorado collected $125 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

   Do you think Magnum the ice cream bar company and Magnum the condom company ever feud about who's is bigger?

   Dr: "How would you say your diet is going?" Me: ... *sneezes and a Skittle come out* "Ummm, Pretty well."

   Does shaking the vending machine count as working out?

   Someone just said hi to me at the gas pump what the heck is their problem....

   The biggest lie I tell myself is 'No need to write that down. I'll remember it.'

   I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing....

   it still called a mimosa if it's with vodka and there's no champagne and it's in a flask and you're in a dumpster?

   Corn mazes would be a lot more fun if they would start earlier in the growing season and make it an "All you can eat" corn-on-the-cob-fest

   Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear a coat and tie. Or even a tux if they want.

   I've never done a triathlon but I did accompany my wife to Michael's, Hobby Lobby, & Joann's to find the perfect autumn table setting.

   Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn't have a hit song about taking care of business?

   The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job

   *gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

   It's almost 2020 and we still haven't made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

   It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.

   "Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French guy would say after a really raunchy fart.

   What is this mythical "leftover" Bacon of which you speak ?

   interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

   Last night I saw a gigantic spider in our bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got into an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.