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People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop. 
A mom getting a minivan is like losing one's virginity. It hurts at first, but think of all the stuff they can fit in afterwards.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you make 100% of the shots you don't miss.
Be careful when a guy says "he loves you from the bottom of his heart",this may mean that "there is still enough space for another girl at the top"
If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?
If God loves us why do we have ear hair
Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
"Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass
I was just cursing the bag boy at the grocery store for leaving out my Reece's cups and then I remembered I used self-checkout.
Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong.
It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt...
It looks like everyone wants Jon Snow to play NFL...he wont bend a knee
Hugh Heffner...the only person who we can truly say is not in a better place now...
Bruce Willis to return for Die Hard 6. Working titles are "Die Hard: Speak Up Please" and "Die Hard: When I was your age"
I'am a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that's the truth.
After several years of sessions, my psychiatrist has determined that the true source of my crippling insecurities and desperate need for attention is the fact that the host of Romper Room never once said my name when she peered through the Magic Mirror. 