Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "Welcome to my man cave". Proctologist: "Please stop calling it that"

   I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

   There are 3 types of people: 1. Dog people 2. Cat people 3. Clean house people

   I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

   In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

   I used to have this device to help me find wild mushrooms but I misplaced it. You might say I lost my morel compass.

   Luckily "Smoking in the Boys Room" was released in 1973. If it was released today, it'd be called "Vaping in the Gender Neutral Area"

   I just had a Hebrew National Hotdog. It's like a normal hotdog, but with the skin at the end cut off.

   My wife and I have doggie style sex. I sit up and beg for it. And she rolls over and plays dead.

   I misunderstood the nighborhood MILF when she told me she was heading to the polls. I didn't see her grinding at the strip club.

   Seattle raised the min wage to 15 a hour. Report out this week for the 1st period. Min wage workers now work 12 hours less and make 1500 less a month.

   Love is like a rubberband. We keep pulling, someone lets go and the one who held on gets hurt

   I give travel info in the amount of time it takes me to get there, not in miles.

   Faucets should really have a drip setting instead of making me take 20 minutes to try to get the handle just right in order to keep my pipes from freezing.

   Someone needs to brew a great beer and call it “Roses”! That way when you show up at your ladies door with a card and a dozen roses, you know at least you're going to have a great time!

   Valentine's Day : Because love isn't quite complicated enough as it is....

   I hope when they write my biography they leave out my being afraid to poop in public places

   If you are ever wondering who is rapping in a song, just wait 4 more seconds and he'll say his name.

   just realized how valuable photoshop can be...when you need to pin something on your boss...like a donkey…for blackmail…

   Love is like a glass door… Sometimes you don't see it and it smacks you right in the face.