Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   We cover every dish we take to Grandma's house with aluminum foil. That way the Aliens wont be able to know what we're eating this time.

   I like people... From a distance.

   The Pope excommunicates Italian Mafia: I wonder who the next pope is gonna be...

   They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their mind

   Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.

   Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I'm just a guy in a bikini on the bus.

   Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.

   I don't even pick up the soap after I drop it in my own shower. There's just something about me I don't trust.

   My analysis reveals that, via his crafty use of the double negative,,, Ray Parker Jr was, in fact,, afraid of *some* ghosts.

   Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"

   Sorry boss, can't come in today. National Donut Day is sacred to my people.

   Love is blind. It's also drunk, has a wooden leg, Tourette's, a crippling fear of heights & if you poke it with a stick it plays dead.

   The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

   Words I'm incorporating into my vernacular: Vernacular, Incorporating

   All I want is to see you smile. That and maybe a pizza.

   I got the moves like Jagger, and the medical bills to prove it.

   Remember the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean?

   I can't wait to see all the $hit people start throwing at drummers now!

   My friend asked my advice on how to impress his date. I suggested that I go in his place.

   Every cloud has a silver lining (except for the mushroom shaped ones, which have a lining of Iridium & Strontium 90).