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Life ain't nothing but: female dogs and gardening tools! 
my illegal housekeeper and I cancelled each others votes yesterday. Not sure what she said this morning but we high fived and laughed...
''Send me a pic'' never fails to ruin a conversation....
You can tell a lot about a woman by her right foot, for instance; if it's travelling towards your bollocks at speed, she's upset with you.
If I ever need a stair lift when I'm older... Gonna make sure it's a toilet, so I can take care of 2 things at once.
My Dad should be in the Guinness Book Of World Records. I'm pretty sure no one has ever taken twenty seven years to go and get a pint of milk.
It's funny when girl's think guys are hanging with you, just to be "friends" haha
When a man pats a woman on the ass it's just a friendly way to say "Hi". That, and he wants to bang it like a screen door in a tornado.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I'm impecunious.
Art Gunfunkel is short for Arthur Garfunkel, and Paul Simon is short for a man.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to "Widowed", it's time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
You had me at "I've got weed."
Good job on the speed traps, cops - How are the murderer traps coming along?
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the 'Downward Dog' on top of another person.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just being ambidextrous.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.
I'm not judgmental, so when I see a person driving slow in the fast lane, I never assume what gender she is
"Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French person would say after a big raunchy fart.
A lot of women can’t drive because they’re too busy giving mixed signals.
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