Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You had me at "this is a bad idea"

   you never know a crossfitter works out just by looking at them, that's why they have to tell you about it every ten minutes.

   Coworker: I saw you at Starbucks this morning but didn't say hi Me: Thanks

   Happy National Waffles day. Waffles are just pancakes with abs!

   Thought for sure I'd get Vicoden or Percocet, but my optometrist only prescribed reading glasses

   You know, if Facebook is conflicting with your real life relationships then it's time to take a break. We need your full commitment over here!

   I'm beginning to think that my destiny in life is just to be a bad example that other people can learn from.

   According to my calculations, 2025 is going to be the best year ever - I will finally run out of Conditioner the same time as the Shampoo, It's the little things in life I tell ya!

   Misery loves whiskey. F cuk company.

   If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs

   My business card is a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   My seduction technique is to make things awkward and then not talk to you for a while

   It wasn't weird until you expected me to act normal.

   Does this silence make me look antisocial?

   I'm not crying, that's just the vodka leaving my body through my eyes.

   I have enough confidence; I just don't like you.

   For Thxgiving, sent out a noticed to all my wierd family to BYOF menu...that's Bring Your Own Food, cuz I cant keep up with all the Vegans, gulton-free, diabetics, sugarfree, only-carbs diet, no-carbs diet, and the no water diet people in my family.

   There's still so much I have to unlearn.

   I miss the old days when everyone had the same RING tone.

   on this very day 125 years ago it was also a Friday TGIF