Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My wife married me because I have a heart of gold. Then she cut it out of me, hocked it and bought shoes.

   If anyone needs to get a clue, I have an extra one in my desk.

   In the divorce I made sure to take the laptop, because browser history.

   You couldn't handle five minutes in my head.

   I'm passed out drunk on the side of the road to success.

   I've decided that I want to die from a severe Pizza Overdose.

   It's important to keep your relationship fresh. So, always look for creative new ways to get even.

   Please don't do your soul searching at the bar, some of us are trying to enjoy our whisky here.

   You can't believe anything a woman says when she's in the trunk of your car.

   Girls pick jerks over nice guys the same way guys pick sluts over cool girls.. we are all idiots.

   Dear God, when I said six figure salary, I didn't mean only zeros.

   My other palindrome is a kayak.................................... my new bumpersticker

   There's no better feeling than proving someone wrong!

   The sexual tension between me and this woman is so high that she's using codes like 'can I take your order?'

   A famous rapper got high and did something stupid? Well now I've seen everything.

   I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

   shhhh.. i'm waiting behind the door. gonna blindside monday with a swift kick in nuggets.

   Friend: "What should be engraved on the inside of my husband-to-be's wedding ring? I want something that has meaning and will remind him of me." Me:"PUT IT BACK ON!"

   I'm sane with you, I'm just not insane with you.

   My theory is that Twilight was seen by only ten people who each watched it four million times.