Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Today I am WONDER WOMAN ... I will wrap my head and wrists in foil, stuff my Bra, hike up my grannie panties, and I will wonder.

   I need to wash this beer down with another beer

   My next girlfriend I am going to train like my dog. She will be loyal, obedient, and lick herself.

   My favorite food is knowledge. Unless I’ve been drinking, then it’s p ussy.

   The best moves in life are made in silence. Don't talk about it. Just do it and let them talk about it. Failure talks. Success walks.

   Dear Santa, Do not eat any cookies from Colorado and Washington this year.. May cause drowsiness.

   lookin' like a fool with his pants on the ground.

   I'm eating cold soup with a fork. Windows 7 was my idea.

   You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.

   Blaming a Happy Meal your kid is too fat, is like suing a gym for losing weight.

   Some people are still alive today only because it's against the law to kill them

   I hear my neighbor is holding her Saturday night mass. "Oh god! "Oh lord!" Oh jesus!"

   Saw a black velvet Kenny Rogers painting today. I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.

   Our welcome mat is missing its L. I'd leave it that way but I'm afraid it'll look like we're bragging.

   Women need to learn that, "most of my friends are guys" just means you have a list of dudes who harbour secret ambitions of banging you someday.

   to everyone who sends me request in Farmvillie I'm gonna send you a tree for ur farm so you can hang yourself!!

   I hate when a texting convo goes like this You: heyy. Them: hey! You: watzup? Them: nothin wbu? You: same. Them: cool. You: yea Them: haha. You: lol. Them: yep.

   STOP with complaining about unoriginal cut n pasted jokes and contribue your own

   Just saw a huge spider while I was getting out of the shower. So I pulled down the shower curtain rod & pole vaulted over it into the hallway.

   I'm still kind of pissed they never told us how to get to Sesame Street.