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If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, do I still need a logging permit? 
Philadelphia named angriest city. I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that the Eagles play there
Hello, 911? I would like to report someone lying on Facebook.
I've given my couch the best years of my life
It's like my cat is the only one who understands me....... * Cat rolls her eyes
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
I've always heard to "live everyday like it was your last" but noticed how much people will actually frown upon that kinda lifestyle.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
I don't understand how people can fall right to sleep after sex. I mean, are you just trusting them to leave on their own accord?
We should be less worried about serial killers dumping bodies around the country and more concerned that it's always someone jogging that discovers them. THOSE are the people we should be looking out for...
According to my bloodshot eyes I'm not approachable today
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
It's like my wife didn't even TRY to clean the house while I went out to play poker... I mean, how am I supposed to live like this?
Apparently, I tip hotel maids by forgetting my iPhone charger every time I check out. Every. Single. Time.
The old saying "I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy"... Clearly you have forgotten why they are your worst enemy.
Sorry, I can't make it,,, months are just a really busy time of year for me
When faced with two choices simply toss a coin. It works not because it settles the question for you, but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air, you suddenly know what you are hoping for.
After TMZ broke that Jay-Z getting his ass kicked by Beyonce's little sister, I am now convinced TMZ is worse than NSA. They got cameras everywhere.
You have to admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.
Lady, Have you tried texting him 22 more times?
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