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Welcome to England - where the Sun is just a Newspaper...enjoy!!! 
When I said "I'm fine",I lied and I wanted you to detect it. - Women
The only thing girls are going to get from watching the Victoria Secret Fashion Show is depression, an eating disorder & turn lesbian!
He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good 'cause...Santa works for the NSA.
I once won an argument with a woman. This was my only consolation considering after she won the divorce settlement.
Hopefully Kim Jong Un will mistake Dennis Rodman for his other uncle
Through all the turmoil, tears and tribulations, she has definitely made me a better man. Bitter man, sorry.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
The last time I was this drunk I got married.
Does anyone know when is the Cut-Off date to STOP wishing someone Happy New Years??
If you were a contest, I’d enter you.
4:43am Neighborhood Watch Report: my neighbor gets a super creepy look on his face when he's sleeping.
My tombstone will say, "She was a people pleaser most of her life until one day she snapped and had to be taken out by the national guard."
I never get caught because I've watched all 27 seasons of Cops..
Once my kids wake up, my only goal for the rest of the day is getting them back to bed...
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I'm at the gym or if I'm at Wal-Mart or at taco bell.
Doctors be like "I know you're depressed so here is some medicine that causes suicidal thoughts."
Forget about Prince Charming ladies, always go for the wolf. He can see you better, hear you better, and eat you better.
Folgers got it all wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed naked after you pee.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
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