Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Men have feelings too. For example, they feel hungry.

   I checked the thermometer outside. The temperature read "Fuck this shit! Stay in the house!"

   It would be weird if you walked into your living room and chris hansen told you to take a seat.

   I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.

   Smile, it makes your butt look smaller.

   FACT: The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Ladies; If your boyfriend is shorter than 5'5 he's not your man, he is your minion.

   Never underestimate a woman's ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.

   I prefer products that say virgin on it, like extra virgin olive oil, cause I don't want to buy a slutty oil made from slut olives.

   Ladies, it's football season. Time to dust off your vibrat0rs.

   BREAKING: Referee lockout to end; Replacement refs to report back to Foot Locker ASAP

   Everyone becomes an air drumming master 3 minutes and 40 seconds into Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight".

   The Salvation Army is sponsoring a race car this year. It's a 1992 Chevy Lumina...

   My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"

   Dear facebook event invite: I'd love nothing more than to travel 1100 miles to see your half a$$ed band play other people's music in a bar that's filled with 4 people. DECLINE!

   One of my favorite things about this time of year is seeing all the pictures of children screaming in sheer terror as their parents try to capture that special moment with Santa.

   If you're on facebook saying you're at the gym, then you're not doing anything gym related.

   Just saw a homeless woman eating cat food. I really felt bad for her. She couldn't even Instagram it first.

   Bikinis should have an age limit and a weight limit.

   : Ha!! My wife thinks that she's meeting my Italian friend "Fellatio" tonight...