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A vampire goes into a pub and asks 4 boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "Im making tea" 
Does anybody else feel the intense awkwardness when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly?
Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
Girl's facebook status: I'm done with this sh!t.. Me: Did you wipe?
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" and I sent it anyways.
I'm going to bed after a hard day of converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.
When I die, I have made my husband promise to update my FB status with “Who knew they had Wi-Fi up here?!?”
It's been so long since I bought groceries, this morning I saw a c@ckroach move out. "Good luck," he sighed, clutching his tiny suitcases.
You know I can think of two... no, three things that really irritate the f*ck out of me... make that four... ok five.... f*ck it... there's like 10 now!
I farted today and totaled the Smart Car I was standing next to.
These tornadoes are awful...I blame the violence in tornado themed video games
The #1 song when you were born is a great idea, however, if they came out with an app that gave the #1 song when you died, I think I would stop listening to music
If I've given you a card at your birthday party, know I bought it a half-hour ago and signed it on the dashboard of my car 5 minutes ago.
If you ask me, people who harm children should be strangled at birth.
Crazy Fact… People born in 1994-1999 have lived in three decades, two centuries, and two millenniums. & they are not even 18 yet.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that helps men understand what the heck women are actually trying to say.
The jersey shore cast is dumber than a 5th grader..
Truth of life - Mother`s tears hit your heart and wife`s tears hit your pocket.
My GPS says (estimated time of arrival), I see (TIme to beat)
Football is a game in which a handful of men run around for one and a half hours watched by millions of people who could really use the exercise.
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