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I wish I had half of the fight in me as the spider that I just washed down my bathroom sink did. 
On a scale of Amanda Bynes to the woman who wants to marry Charles Manson, my cat only thinks I'm Gary Busey crazy.
I was voted 'Most Paranoid' by my classmates at school. Although they never admitted it.
The human heart has four chambers : Rumpus room, Tradesmans Entrance, Wine Cellar and Guest Bedroom
"Sir your phone's ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
When Kanye West blows out candles on a birthday cake he wishes it was his birthday, instead of whoever's party he's at.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
White lives matter.......we pay your welfare.
wmen get their belly button pierced cause its a good place to hang the air freshner.
"Why did Sally sell seashells by the seashore, when you can just pick them up off the beach for free?"
Pulling your phone out in front of your friends has the same effect as yawning.
I don't see how a man announcing to the world that he takes it up the ass is such big news.
If a transvesite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half and Half Milk?
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
Marriage is not a word, its a sentence, a life sentence.
If the Russians could actually hack elections ... Do you really think Putin would have tollerated 8 years of Obama?
A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
: Happy Friday the 13th!! Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check...
Don't Kanye me!!! or I'll Chris Brown yo a$$... and Tiger Woods your mother!
silence is gloden, but duct tape is silver.
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