Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'm thinking of converting my car to steam power. I think if I actually burned the $1 bills I'd get more bang for my buck.

   If I see someone trying to seize the day, I'll step in and try to save the day.

   I don't care if being apathetic is wrong.

   if I don't answer my phone .. it's probably cause I am dancing to the ring tone

   Relationships are like math problems. Sometimes you have to take someone out of the equation, put someone else in, and everything balances out.

   I Like that you Like what I Liked before I Liked it. Can we be friends?

   Even North Korea has to wait on hold for hours to reach tech support in India

   I think winners should aspire to gather more than just a chicken dinner.

   Saw a huge spider the size of a walnut while I was taking a shower so I pulled off the curtain rod & pole vaulted myself into the hallway.

   This is the worst carnival ever. I can't believe they blocked the street off for this. Sir, this is a crime scene.

   Out of all the lies I've told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.

   The salesman claimed the shoes were made from alligator, but I knew it was a crock

   Parents,, instead of telling your child don't let the bedbugs bite, here's a crazy idea...Maybe buy your kid a new frigging mattress?

   Drive around me, can't you see I'm taking a selfie here?

   Are you butt dailing, cause I swear that a$$ is calling me

   what makes fancy green beans fancy?

   Now that Microsoft's Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.

   My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super badass and hilarious

   I have 2 hairstyles – cute and homeless

   During sex..it's perfectly fine to say yeah....yes....or oh yes over and over, but if you wanna mess with your partner..holler out YEP over and over