Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It didn't look that hot from inside, but as soon as I stepped outside, it was like Satan farted in my face...

   I dont think I'll ever be able to eat bugles with out first putting them on my fingers and roaring first

   A beautiful night is when you hug your teddy and go to sleep, but a horror night is when your teddy hugs you back!!!! =)

   Has anyone Sheen my drugs?

   Zombies are dropping dead all over Washington, and other state capitals. Reports by foxnews say they are starving to death, due to no significant brain tissue in these areas!!!

   Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.

   I lost my virginity in a high-stakes game of "Just the Tip".

   I was thinking about taking up Jiu Jitsu but then I remembered...I carry a gun.

   I have counted 16 stains on my bed sheets and not one of them is sex related. My life sucks.

   I still don't understand why Oprah didn't use "Come to Oprah and Winfrey gifts!" as a slogan for her show.

   I even lose my panties when I masturbate.

   I came, I saw, I took a nap.

   I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013.

   My friend hates theme parks b/c he doesn't like the idea of waiting for 5 hours for 2 minutes of pleasure. And yet he still goes on dates.

   justin bieber to be launched into space...hoping very much it's a one way trip ...:D

   Listen, I don't make the rules,,, Where I come from, when you lick something and yell MINE,, it's yours.....So, ya know, get in my van please.

   My bank card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.

   I don't care how long you've been married, the appropriate gift for an anniversary should be sex.

   Marriage. When dating goes too far.

   Robert Pattinson said Kristen Stewart humiliated him. Then he added it was even more humiliating than being in Twilight.