Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Longest minutes ever: 1. Waiting on a text 2. Waiting on your food to get out the microwave 3. Commercial while watching a good show.

   I was on the treadmill for over an hour today. Tomorrow I might even turn it on.

   If a woman tells you size doesn't matter, she's a liar and you have a small pen!s.

   i think I'm gonna just be a rapper. apparently you need zero experience, and zero talent to be a millionaire in the rap game now?

   2011: same sh!t, different digits.

   Sad Fact Of Life #222: No one actually needs to wear ace bandages. Wrapping some cloth around a body part doesn't do anything, except draw attention to your imaginary affliction…and your desperate need for attention.

   starting to get nervous about Y3K

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

   It amazes me how there are over 5 billion people in the world, yet a person can be so lonely at this time of night.

   Newton's Pee law : No matter how much you press it, shake it, rotate it, slap it and pull it. the last drop of urine for your underwear. ;)

   NFL is seeing that disrespecting the flag is really bad for business...it's causing division & no unity! The left is NEVER morally correct!

   I don't think my newborn son appreciates napping and sucking tittie as much as I do.

   If you kiss her just right, the panties fall off all by themselves.

   Dear Math, I'm sick and tired of finding your "x". Just accept the fact that she's gone and move on dude!

   I've stipulated to be laying on my side during my open casket funeral so it's convenient for anyone who wants to spoon me for the last time.

   I'm gonna sue Axe because instead of attracting girls, I'm attracting damn mosquitos!

   I think I have a problem. I'm checking myself into rehab. If anyone needs me, I'll be at Charlie Sheen's house.

   Love how yall ladies enjoy that show "Snapped" stories about women who go crazy on their men..So I decided I'm gonna create a show for men its gonna be called "She Just Wouldn't Shut-the-f*ck-Up

   There are only 5 things we need in life: Good friends, Good job, Good food, Good sleep & Good _uck. Whatever you are thinking... is right.

   1000 aches = 1 megahurtz