Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Thought for the day: is Taylor Swift's song 'We are never getting back together' actually about her legs ?

   stop sending me farmville requests or I will drive you out into the desert, strip you naked and smear you in honey. then I will tie you to an ant hill lying face up, cut off your eyelids so you are forced to stare at the sun while the ants slowly eat you.

   I greet all my daughter's boyfriends with, "I used to molest guys like you in prison."

   I glued a beer bottle cap to my watch so that whenever I look at it, I know it's time to drink.

   Ladies, instead of trying to change every guy you date, how about you just change your own fcuking expectations??

   Why can't I wake up to some good news for a change? Like hearing that Justin Bieber and the whole Kardashian Clan perished in a plane accident?

   I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..

   Today I was walking down the street and a cop stop me, he asked me if I had a police record ...I said yes ....Every Breath You Take and Don't Stand So Close To Me........ Thank-God, I got bonded, my cellmate Roxanne was just a little weird!

   Calling Justin Bieber gay is an insult to Freddie Mercury.

   Just invented a drink called the LESBIAN. All you do is mix two liquors

   Dear mom while I have been away at college I have learned to make rational and accountable decisions while I'm drinking. However we may or may not have a drunken cat on our hands.

   in the balloon. It was supposed to be a secret mission.

   letting everyone know in advance that I want something shiny that will go from 0 to 120 in 3 seconds for Christmas... and bathroom scales WILL NOT be accepted.

   "I am sick of people getting "offended" by what I say...put on your big girl panties and deal with it

   I don't know what it is about Snookies face but it makes me wanna take a dump

   Any ever noticed that lol looks like a tiny person raising the roof?

   Snow: where a couple of inches will keep a woman in bed all day.

   somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine

   What did the suspenders say to the pants? "What's Up, Britches!"

   My sex drive isn't too bad..... There's a hooker just three blocks from here.