Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance... so I pushed her over.

   Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That's where I come in.

   Dear family, thanks for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. now I can have disappointment for breakfast..

   Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I'm done with lunch so I'd better get back twerk!"

   Me: Where is my superwoman? Her: Aaaw! Am in the kitchen babe;) Me: Typo, I meant where is my supper, woman.

   You know what is sweeter than the laughter from a child? The sound of silence from not having any kids.

   I bet Rihanna will be on the cover of Chris Brown's greatest hits CD.

   If you say the Flag and National Anthem are no big deal, but you get upset about a statue of a dead guy that died before your parents were born, then you are the ones that have issues

   You can eat pizza every single day & still lose weight....Alternative fact.

   Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   You say Imagine Dragons, I say any other group than that

   Grandma was a loyal Republican until she died. Ever since then she has voted Democrat.

   I still let my phone ring a few times before answering when a person I'm interested in calls, so I seem busy.

   I'm not nodding to say yes about your idea....The voices in my head are agreeing with me that you're an idiot..

   I think I'm slipping.....too many mistakes went unmade today.

   Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you.

   Parental criticism getting you down this holiday season? Just remind them that coffins are cheaper than nursing homes.

   Sometimes I wish there was a 'Build-a-Girlfriend'.

   Every time I'm in line and someone is taking too long I look around and think "Is this where I wan't to start my mass murdering spree?"

   My uncle reads the obituaries every day. He can never get over the fact that people always seem to die in alphabetical order.