Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   bad decisions make good stories.

   Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then they discover once a year is way too often.

   thinks Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it.

   I'm not rare. I'm just a limited edition.

   as confused as a hungry infant in a topless bar.

   My wife has me held captive by her love.. and these handcuffs. But don't call the cops, this is not a cry for help.

   I can't afford the shakeweight, but I wish there was another activity that I can apply the principles to...

   My mom used to say that I'm wasting my life playing all these video games... thats ok, I still have more lives!

   I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

   saw an amazing looking girl the other day wearing a T-Shirt that said 'Fight Poverty'. So to impress her, I ran over and punched a tramp.

   I'll never forget when Dad tried to teach me to swim by pushing me off the boat. And when he taught me to drive by pushing me out the car.

   When I see a Scion in my rearview mirror I always pull over and let it pass so no one's late to the Hoobastank concert.

   Change your wifi password to blowmefirst, then wait for someone to ask for your wifi password.

   You’re the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   Congratulations to CNN for having the longest running TV show in TV history: Malaysia Flight 370

   Me and my girlfriend, ,, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G

   I told my wife she just needed to embrace her mistakes. She wept softly...and then hugged me.

   Remember: Before you were Mommy's little darling you were Daddy's little squirt.

   I never understand when people say that the Mona Lisa was Leonardo da Vinci's best work. He was pretty damned good in the Titanic if you ask me.

   I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.