Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Today I'm going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.

   soo upset that I mixed up my voodoo dolls. If you feel any sharp, stabbing pains, please call me and describe the location. Thanks

   The next person who says its not the heat, it's the humidity will learn its not my fist, it's the impact.

   During sex my wife likes to talk to me. The other night she called me from a hotel.

   [Dear Teen/Young Adult/Rapper Who Sags Their Pants]: Do you even know the origin of that fashion statement?

   What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life And you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.

   364 shopping days left

   Must be confusing for Sean Connery's grandchildren when he asks them to "Come sh!t on my lap."

   "Drunk Posting" is worse than "Drunk Texting", because instead of one person thinking you're an idiot, EVERYONE does!

   MTV has proven that the recent rise in teenage pregnancy has reallyyyyy changed the definition of a MILF

   Follow your dreams............ Unless you're a killer.

   I like a girl who is not ashamed to have her crotch sniffed by my dog.

   Dear sweatpants and hoodies: thanks for being there for me. Sincerely, sexy and I know it, but too lazy to show it!!

   I watched my first anal porn scene the other day... Wow, I just can't get over how skinny I looked back then !!

   "Half a dozen" -Because "six" is way too long.

   just here to establish my alibi.

   We all have that friend that acts innocent, but is very naughty

   Wii should make beer pong... tired of losing to my son in all the games HE'S good at

   wonders if "Being Comfortable with your Sexuality" was one of the requirements when they were looking for guys to be in the Shake Weight commercial.

   Just for fun, I left a note of this guys car at Wal-Mart that said, "Sorry for backing into your car". That should keep him busy for a few minutes.