Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy. But rain on a woman wearing a white T-shirt and no bra makes me VERY happy!

   Saw a homeless woman with a sign that said, "Mother of two. Please help." So I gave her some condoms.

   Actually has a dai off tomorrow? Wow, it's been so long I can't even remember how to spell it

   I thought you were good looking, until I clicked "view more pictures"

   Life doesn't change. Only the people in it.

   Why can you buy movies at Walmart with nude scenes in them and can't by a CD with cussin??

   certain that the news companies are now just making stuff up to try and scare us because I've just seen the headline 'KILLER CUCUMBER CLAIMS 10 LIVES.'

   Relationship Status: Committed to remaining single

   it's not that I'm bad at remembering names, I'm just awesome at forgetting some of them.

   If people could read my mind, I'd get punched in the face a lot.

   3 Things Every New Nurse should know: 1) never get "eye level' to measure a sore on someone's bottom. 2) Yawning during tracheotomy care is BAD 3) Always smell an Apple Juice in the Nurses fridge before drinking or serving.

   Almost choked to death on some broccoli but no way, I ain't going out like that.

   only eats chocolate covered caramel because that's how I Rolo™

   Can someone text me a donut?

   My wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst... so I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

   a recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

   If you think what I just said was offensive, you don't want to hear the things that I stopped myself from saying.

   I got some new underwear the other day. Well.... new to me

   “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to His buddy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat.” happy St Patricks day!!

   For fun, I like to tase people at renissance fairs, it makes me feel like an evil wizard.