Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Start texting "Let's get naked." to random people, you'll eventually get laid. I promise.

   Valentines Day is next week! Or Tuesday, as I refer to it.

   On his girlfriend's birthday, a guy took her to the car sale. Pointing at a tomato red BMW, he says, "Happy birthday honey! You see that red car? I bought you nail polish in the same colour”.

   Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner said that the wierdest thing about transforming into a woman is that he still likes watching football but he no longer really understands it.

   Why is it that the people who are loudest about demanding respect are the same ones who have done the least to earn it?

   I just saw 30 seconds of Glee and now I'm gay. Send glitter.

   Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.

   The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

   Soccer weanies...Oh, you bumped into me! I'll fall to the ground and pretend I was hit by a bus!

   I wish someone would post an "Ice bucket challenge" video

   I bought shoes from a drug dealer today. Don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day!

   if there is anything that we have learned over the past years...is that if you attack someone with a gun, you might get shot.

   I just accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it says I have Gary Busey.

   if anyone sleeps with my wife I am shooting their guide dog!

   If I were an animal, I'd eat vegetarians

   Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

   There's nothing I hate worse than coming home drunk, needing to piss really bad and.... finding the kitchen sink full of dirty dishes.

   I ate so many Dunkin Donuts at work today I think I'm qualified to be given a badge and a gun

   Monday?! But, I wasn't even finished with Saturday yet.

   I'm going back to Mexico soon and my friends are telling me to not drink they water. Like I'm really going to drink anything but beer and liquor anyway. The don't know me at all.