Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Relationships are weird. "you're funny and smart" eventually turns to "you think you know everything and everything is a joke to you".

   I hate it when teachers say "From all this talking, I assume you're done." From all this complaining, I assume you're single.

   Why do women get so annoyed when you ask them about their periods? If I was bleeding out of my d!ck, I'd totally want to talk about it.

   Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.

   Our houses are protected by the good Lord and a gun, And you might meet 'em both if you show up here not welcome son

   and they all laughed at my snuggie! who's the cold fool now?

   tonight the role of "husband/boyfriend" will be played by Jack Rabbit.

   thought long and hard and finally made a decision on his New Year's resolution....it will remain 1024 x 768

   Bummer: Just Found out that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle that came to my 6th Birthday was actually my Aunt!"

   The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

   i think next time I'm out drinkin I'm gunna pull the label of my last beer and stick it on my shoulder just in case I get pulled over... that way I can say "no I havent officer, I'm on the patch"

   When I die, I give you permission to change my status to, "is dead."

   "You don't marry the person you can live with...You Marry the person You cant live without!"

   ..Elizabeth Edwards leaves hubby John out of will. Somewhere in NY, Bill Clinton sits nervously, wondering

   I can honestly say that I have never left a room just because the carpet didn't match the drapes.

   Breaking news Arizona shooting suspect pleads not guilty...If he's not guilty, O.J don't wear gloves.

   This white girl took me home last night. She wanted me to prove to her what they say about black guys is true....so I stabbed her and took her purse.

   This Christmas I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.....

   Bella: I know what you are. Edward: Say it Bella.Say it out loud. Bella: GAYYYYYYYY.

   Congrats you survived pandemic by getting your shots so your reward is World War III