Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Happy Discount Chocolate Tuesday!

   A relationship is like a house. When a light bulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the light bulb

   Straight marriage, gay marriage, whatever. Just stop showing me pictures of your kids and we're cool.

   My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry.

   Does the Make A Wish Foundation provide services for children who are about to be murdered because they poured juice in your lap top? Asking for a friend.

   How did Nancy Grace get on TV? She reminds me of someone who qualified to be an office manager of a mobile home park

   They say you can't make jokes about blind people, just watch me.

   new rule: For every post you don't like, you must post a better one..

   A pastor was caught by a fellow church member breaking into a church safe. The pastor shouted, “Blessed are those who see no evil, hear no evil and tell no evil” The fellow church member replied, "Amen, for they shall receive their equal share"

   I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.

   Remember when pressing pause on a VCR used to make everyone on the screen have a seizure?

   Today, I saw a license plate frame "My car, daddy's money" on a battered Chevy Aveo. Daddy had 600 bucks, eh? Calm down, princess.

   Never share secrets with bank employees, they're all tellers. 

   Why are scary movies always in scary places like hospitals or creepy houses ? I want a scary movie at Walmart . "Clean up on aisle 13" "But sir ... There is no aisle 13 .." dramatic music

   Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson.

   Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke...

   Yes I'm still bitter about my name not being mentioned in "Mambo No. 5"

   Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to....unless you're sleeping next to Elmo.

   If you can't handle me at my un-shaved, you don't deserve me at my waxed.

   If women belong in the kitchen, shouldn’t men belong in the garage with all the other tools?