Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Pro Tip: If your EBT Card is declined because of the government shutdown GET A PHUGGING JOB!

   Girls who walk around with ponytail holders on their wrist are probably going to suck your d!ck.

   Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."

   We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as Zombies they'll dig the wrong way...It's called thinking ahead people!

   What if you get to heaven and God is like "Nah bra you can't get in. Remember when you saw my picture on Facebook and you kept scrolling?"

   No you are not an independant woman... You are just an adult. Having a car, paying yo bills, paying rent is part of adult life

   "Love" is purely a chemical imbalance of serotonin, dopamine, & norepinephrine. It is nothing magical or "special"; just simply an irregularity in the brain; a "two-faced high"

   gives her friends permission to change her status to "is chilling with Jesus" after she dies

   I don't get drunk .. I get AWESOME!!

   Never ever change your ringtone to an eerie or scary one around halloween because some idiot might call you in the middle of the night while you're in a deep sleep. On a related note, sh*t stains are difficult to get out of sheets.

   I don't understand why women wear watches when there's a perfectly good clock on the stove.

   A study has shown that 40% of men over 40 suffer erectile dysfunction. Looking at 40% of women over 40, I'm not surprised.

   I've just found my first grey pube............Don't think I'll order pizza from there again.

   Girls who are obsessed with celebrities need to get a life

   The best curve on a girl is her smile. Lol just kidding, look at dat ass.

   "MOM, WE'RE OUT OF TAMPONS!!" - Justin Bieber

   schools are back in session. Remember if you study hard enough there will still be no jobs when you graduate.

   just seen an illegal mexican boy get into a van with a pedophile. talk about alien vs predator

   Its already too late for some of you ladies to find Mr Right and I would advise you to just settle for Mr. What's Left or you will die alone.

   More than 90 percent of all relationships end while the girl is on her period