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If you leave me a voicemail that asks me to call you back when I get this message,you have nobody to blame but yourself.save your breath send a text.lol😀 
Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".
rubix cube: the original fidget toy
Q:Do yo want to know how to tell if you're listening to a Jason Derulo song? A: He will tell you in the first 19 seconds.
One of the best feelings ever:
Waking up and seeing you still have a couple more hours to sleep.
[at an orgy] I'm starting to think that I'm the only one taking this book club seriously
My wife thinks I'm too nosey.....at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.
"I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."
I've been building my son's trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.
David Hasselhoff's illegitimate child
like Houdini . . . uses a lot of trap doors in his acts, but I think i'm just going through a stage.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now
Doesn't have a drinking problem, he drinks he, gets drunk, he falls down, no probablem....
Other than changing your email to something other than jizzbucket4u@gmail.com, I'd say your resume looks pretty good.
My phone is on its 4th charge for the day. So don't talk to me about commitment.
When it comes to self-absorption, you’re like a sponge.
Introduce yourself with a famous last name on the first day of any new job. Go quiet when asked if you're related to a celebrity so they'll be nice to you.
1) Scroll to the bottom of your Facebook page. 2) On the bottom left corner, click English: US. 3) When the language selection appears, click English: Pirate. 4) watch what happens.
having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think ive remembered this before. 