Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Be yourself! Everyone else is already taken.

   Planting some shrubs today and they're all leaning to one side, either I was drunk when I planted them or I planted them too close to the weed.

   The most embarrassing part about farting myself awake was that it was the most interesting aspect of my PowerPoint presentation.

   Tech support just asked my grandpa what kind of phone he has & he seriously said "kind of grayish"

   No. Skinny girls shouldn't be in charge of the office thermostat. You need a middle-aged woman with hot flashes named Brenda on the dial.

   Every time I watch cartoons I imagine how badly they must reek of B.O. because they're always wearing the same thing.

   doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on me: probably since the summer of 2008

   Saw a monarch butterfly today, what made it special is that it was the first time it wasn't stamped on top of a strippers caboose

   Happy National discriminates against “Cat” Day!

   Dating in your early 20’s: Show me your abs and buy me beer. Dating in your 40’s: Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.

   Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

   Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: *makes another plate of nachos*

   Kmart always smells like if Walmart was found dead in its apartment after three days.

   I'm worried my cat isn't eating enough fish skeletons out of trashcans.

   Did this many people have birthdays before Facebook?

   How about a really bad food court where planes land? – Pitch for every airport

   Mind blowing literary fact: all nonfiction books take place in the same shared universe.

   If you need me I'll always be stuck behind the person who doesn't know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.

   Him: are you an early bird or a night owl? Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

   Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years Me: My driving test went really badly