Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I really hate conflict........unless you guys like it,in that case I love it.

   NOAH didn't put spiders and insects on the ARK . They snuck in and hid like they do in your house..

   If you leave me a voicemail that asks me to call you back when I get this message,you have nobody to blame but yourself.save your breath send a text.lol😀

   Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".

   rubix cube: the original fidget toy

   Q:Do yo want to know how to tell if you're listening to a Jason Derulo song? A: He will tell you in the first 19 seconds.

   One of the best feelings ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple more hours to sleep.

   [at an orgy] I'm starting to think that I'm the only one taking this book club seriously

   My wife thinks I'm too nosey.....at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   I've been building my son's trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.

   My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.

   I just put on a fitted sheet on my bed and didn't mess up. I'm entitled to a trophy

   Pro Tip: A box of donuts placed on top of the mailbox will keep the police from breaking up your party.

   The guys from Insane Clown Posse originally started rapping while working their way through clown community college.

   "I know a good divorce lawyer" is definitely a wrong thing to say at any wedding. Hmmm now I know.

   99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

   I'm starting to find apostrophes a bit possessive.

   Now that Millennials are getting older, it's only a matter of time before we have memojis.

   You're in my thoughts and prayers I reserve for winning the lottery.