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If someone skinnier than you complains that they are fat, it’s okay to snarl at them. Frankly, it’s encouraged. 
. My mother in-law is drowning, I've informed emergency services. Hope they get my letter in time to save her.
I am about to order a Code Red and one of my kids is going to be surprised that he is Private Santiago
I can't decide whether to install a TV in the bathroom or a urinal in the family room.
The great thing about insomnia is you have all this extra time to reflect on your suffering and failures.
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
I like to arrive fashionably late and unfashionably intoxicated
The Age of Men is over. The Time of the self-killing cars has come!
Me & my dog lay together for hours a day. Eventually he gets up and goes to lay somewhere else. It hurts my feelings every single time.
Make sure you wear a fake moustache on your first day at a new job so everyone will think you are the undercover boss
A friend ask me why I haven't married yet. I said if I didn't have to live with my wife I would get married.
Next time I open up to someone is my autopsy.
My ego persuades me to be a lot more confident than I should be.
Five bucks says I'm totally broke.
"No food or beverage." I'm guessing the only rule ignored more than that one is the speed limit.
you move on because theres nothing else you can do
Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind
I married my wife for her looks.But not the ones she's been giving me lately!
I would get inappropriately angry when a contestant could not get a full spin on the big wheel on The Price Is Right. They should have been immediately ejectied from the show instead of being able to try again. It's not kindergarten.
questioning her invisibility potion 