Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Would it be legal to have a VERY loud duck-call in place of the more conventional car-horn..if it was operated in the same way?

   I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”

   So many people are obsessed with vampires these days. Who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you?

   To 16:58 commet, you're right. Teacher: "How much is a gram?" Tyronne: "It denpends on what you want."

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   If I see 1 more person texting and driving,I'm rolling down my window and throwing my bong at them..

   Have you ever heard of the theory that if you smell an onion while chewing an apple that it taste like an onion? Words of wisdom, don't chew gum in the restroom

   I like to yell "Don't Forget!" to people as I am leaving so they panic over nothing

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

   I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

   I bought an orange blanket. Now if I am late for work I can wrap it around me and say I was just rescued by the fire department

   If Domino's changed their marketing plan to just call me at random times and ask if they could send over a pizza, the answer would be yes every time.

   Karma has no menu. You're served what your deserve

   How can you tell if a man is blind at a nudist colony? It's not hard.

   BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom? ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

   My calculator is missing the minus button, but on the plus side it still works.

   I'm getting so old, I need to take a nap so I'll have the energy to go to bed. :)

   After my doctor's exam. He gave me a 30 day supply of some pills. And said that I'll need to take them for the rest of my life. I said that's not so bad. He said yea it is, you won't need a refill prescription.

   I have been on hold for the past ten minutes!! If I ever find the guy who invented automated telephone systems, I'm going to give him a choice - Press 1 to be kicked in the a$$, Press 2 to be pushed off a cliff or Press 3 to go to jail.

   The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn't leave him alone with the Maid"