Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

   Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

   Did I miss the Grammys again! Darn that makes like 15 years in a row.

   It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

   You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

   I learned something today – dibs is not the appropriate response when your friend announces his divorce

   From now on if a stranger on the bus asks if I want to taste their fingers, I’m saying no. Lesson learned.

   I quit my job as a treadmill tester. I just felt like I wasn’t going anywhere.

   Direct deposit: $1400 Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees

   Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.

   FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary

   Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

   I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

   turning my gender off to conserve energy

   My wedding will be open casket.

   I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.

   I am trying to get into the Christmas "spirit" but can't get the bottle open...

   Never ask a woman Her age, a man His salary and 'The British museum' on how they got so many artifacts.

   My favorite Thanksgiving tradition is finding mysterious crumbs on me for the next seven to ten work days.

   A horror story: You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings. That’s it that’s the whole story.