Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A giant asteroid might destroy Earth! Unfortunately, it won’t get here until 2135, so it looks like I still have to do the dishes.

   At this very moment, somewhere in America, a black Prius is slowing someone down in the fast lane.

   Please disregard my one Sharpie eyebrow. There was a gray hair incident I'd rather not speak of.

   "What doesn't kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario

   My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.

   Quick Question: How can I protect my family online without the gun emoji?

   My wife could work for CSI the way she can spot one of my hairs on the sink after I shave.

   I’ve hugged my mother-in-law with more warmth than those female gymnasts at the Olympics.

   Being a woman is exciting because we don't know what mood we will be in next or for how long.

   I'm at the age where an all-nighter takes place over 2 nights.

   Milk chocolate and dark chocolate is the difference between happy and sad.

   I can't imagine anyone let alone the B-52's walked outta the Love Shack STD free.

   Always hoped to be unwed and financially unstable in my 30s and here I am, killing it.

   Once you're 40, friendships fade; lives move on. Which is good, because you need all that new free time to stare at your neck in the mirror.

   "Day drinking"? Listen, kids, when I was young it wasn't called that. We used its full name: "Jesus, Phyllis, it's not even noon."

   Two mice at Petco were fighting to run on the same poop-covered wheel, which is a decent analogy for trying to meet your soulmate in a bar.

   I refuse to tell cashiers how my day is.....

   I'm going to eat a chocolate bar today in memory of Gene Wilder. And tomorrow. And the next day. I actually have been doing this for weeks.

   All I'm say'n, Is in the past thirty years, the baby to dingo ratio has gotten severely out of hand.

   Pokemon Go is coming to the new Apple Watch, which should double the speed at which I no longer care about either.