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Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy... 
I'm so broke that This Christmas I am going to wrap up some batteries with a note saying "Toys not included".
Nothing ruins a Friday quicker than having to work the weekend. too.
Can you be sued for malpractice if you're not really a Gynecologist ?
In high school, I wasn't the class clown. I was the class trapeze artist, because I was always suspended.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I've been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It's time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
TGI...Oh Crap, it's only Wednesday.
There should be a calorie refund for things that didn't taste as good as you expected
Finally throwing away my Thanksgiving leftovers. I don't even remember making turkey yogurt...
I really find it laughable when the very same people who say they really appreciate your honesty .... Suddenly hate you when you are actually honest with them .....
WikiLeaks has a whole new meaning today.
Back in my day, #Recess was where they sent us out to a rusty death trap circus,, and now people can't eat gluten.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with the police then setting them free was probably a bad idea.
I'm not the type of guy to " keep the little woman in the kitchen" Not when there is yard work to do and a car to wash !
'All you need is love.' and an IQ low enough to believe that....
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
Roses are red... Violets are Blue .... Vodka costs less than dinner for two
Well I guess in nine months we will find out which of you were naughty and who was nice.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
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