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Aliens probably ride past Earth and lock their doors. 
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute! Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Happy Halloweiner Hillary and Huma
When people dressed like witches, strippers and hobos show up at my front door it must be Halloween because my family reunion was in July.
I like to think this spider on my windshield during my morning commute is on his way to his own office job, too. I bet he's a web developer.
Day one of my waffle cleanse
Ran into a #PETA nut while walking my dog. He said my dog was my slave. Wonder if he noticed I'm the one carrying the poop in a bag?
"What do we want?"... "Hearing aids."... "When do we want them?".... "Hearing aids."
it normal to delete Facebook friends on their birthdays
it’s almost 2017 and food can still make you fat get your act together science
So you're going to the Black Friday sales? Didn't you say you were thankful for everything you had yesterday?
Bought some cheese at one of those fancy cheese shops today. It was legend dairy...
I'm so broke that This Christmas I am going to wrap up some batteries with a note saying "Toys not included".
Nothing ruins a Friday quicker than having to work the weekend. too.
Can you be sued for malpractice if you're not really a Gynecologist ?
In high school, I wasn't the class clown. I was the class trapeze artist, because I was always suspended.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I've been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It's time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I'm hiring a cameraman.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
TGI...Oh Crap, it's only Wednesday.
There should be a calorie refund for things that didn't taste as good as you expected 