Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A relationship is like a house. When a lightbulb burns out you do not go and buy a new house, you fix the lightbulb.

   Five Things I Like Almost As Much As Driving My Boat: 1. Looking at my boat. 2. Talking about my boat. 3. Movies and TV shows with boats. 4. Websites with boats. 5. Bacon.

   Pizza deserves the same rights as burgers....

   Ya'll been dating for three days and you're already saying "I love you" = But that's none of my business.

   The human brain is freaking amazing. It functions 24/7 from when we were born & only stops when you take a test or talk to someone attractive.

   I truly believe that if we'd met at a different place, at a different time, under different circumstances....You'd still be an a$$hole!

   I know they didn't ask for it, but I sent a stool sample in with my tax returns.

   Wow, I've been on the No Sugar Diet for one day and have already lost ... my will to live.

   the "check engine" light came on. I checked & the car definitely has one. It makes loud noises & drips some stuff all over the place so I know it's there

   I think even the IRS are starting to feel sad about how long I've been single for.

   "You cannot play with me unless you blow me." -Balloon

   Does anyone know if you can declare Congress and the Senate as dependents when filing taxes?

   1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

   Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

   I'm not horrified by your views on this whole public restroom issue, I'm horrifed that you would actually use a public restroom.

   Me In 2016 Shaking An Magic 8 Ball: "Will I find love this year?" Magic 8 Ball says, "Hahaha get a cat." D'oh!!!

   Listen,, If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.

   .... I'm always amazed at how drinking 2 beers translates into 5 gallons of piss ....

   Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?.... Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

   Like my wise old Granny always said, 'You want breakfast in bed, you best be sleeping in the kitchen."