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The Center for Disease Control released a statement this week that zombies do NOT exist...with the exception of Donatella Versace. 
I hate it when tramps sit next to cash machines and ask you for change, cash machines only give out notes. If you want change, go sit next to a pay phone!
Some people just need a hug. Around the neck. With a rope.
I'm going to take 3 hours to decide what bad movie I want to watch & then pass out
I am worried about my neighbour as he gets too many concussions and we are very close...in fact just a stones throw away!
Omg look at my baby scans, they are so original and definitely don't look exactly the same as every other baby in the world.
I cant think of a single life situation that cannot be improved by wearing tear away pants.
Protip: Chew on white crayons for cheap and easy fillings
Thanks for the sex, but I'm still not going to 'LIKE' your Facebook pic.
Seeing your kid at work today really put all your other mistakes into perspective.
The hashtag is defintley the most important technological advancement to have been ruined by 13 year old girls.
PLOT TWIST: You snooze.... You win! Because naps are freaking awesome.
I'd better go, this work isn't going to pretend to do itself.
I'm funnier online than in person, and funnier in print than online, but I'm at my funniest when you have no interaction with me at all.
Anyone know where I can get a medic alert bracelet for "does not make small talk?"
Are you having a mental relationship with a celebrity who doesn't even know you exist?
A blue whale's fart bubbles are large enough to enclose a horse. Yeah...think about that for a moment.
Just found my coffee in the microwave for the 7th time today.
Inspirational Quote For Today: Drink some coffee, put on some gangster rap and handle it.
Welcome to the first meeting of OCD Anonymous. We'll get started as soon as you STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF, SUSAN!!
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