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I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence." 
My boss just appointed me as his sex adviser. He said " When I want your fu*king advice, I'll ask for it."
Robert Kraft's prostitution arrest. Voluntary exchange of sex and compensation between consenting adults. Kinda like marriage.
Dear R.Kelly you have no idea how much trouble Urine
I remember when I used to get nostalgic. Those were the days...
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday.
Usually either Nestle or Captain.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese* wife [sitting in the hot tub] Noooooooo
The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they worship satan.
Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.
Ladies, we are not officially old until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of our faces.
"China is beating us badly in every aspect. Even buidling the wall."
So does Caitlyn Jenner get a half-day off? #Daywithoutwomen
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.
I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.
Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...
A 6-year old just shook her head at me in disgust as I stole Splenda from Starbucks. Everyone have a great week and keep chasing your dreams.
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don't use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist. Just when I needed her the most. 