Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The opposite of formaldehyde is casualhyde

   Another problem with being ugly is people think you can fight

   If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

   Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower

   for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been Batman.

   I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone

   I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

   Malia Obama smoked pot?! Uh-oh. If she keeps up this behavior, she might wind up becoming president.

   I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I wake up feeling like a bounced check.

   Kinda ironic that none of the judges on America's Got Talent are from America...

   A 6-year old just shook her head at me in disgust as I stole Splenda from Starbucks. Everyone have a great week and keep chasing your dreams.

   The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don't use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"

   My girlfriend dumped me last week right after I broke my wrist. Just when I needed her the most.

   Just canceled my plans for a mini-vacation to Charlotte to do some shopping.

   I've never been a fan of multi-tasking or quite frankly regular tasking.

   NEWS FLASH: Facebook will expand it's efforts to stop online hate speech,, *in other words, they will be shutting down until after the election

   If anyone ever asks you what would Jesus do? Remind them that flipping over tables and chasing them with a whip is within the realms of possibilities...Matthew 21:12 :)

   If a woman says she’s wrong, is she still wrong?

   Last night a jet flew so close to my house. I was walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess told me to sit down

   I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."