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Our curves would look great together. - Lesbian Pickup line 
Don't you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick???
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a pub.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we have live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
Just heard a guy at the park tell his dog "NO!!!" and then more in a whisper, " We already talked about this!!!"
If women wrote Valentines Candy Hearts: "Not 2nite", "Did you fart?", "Pick up your socks", "R you listening", "Oh, and another thing", and "U snore".
Firtst World Problems in 2016: I want to start my meal, but can't find the perfect TV show to watch while I eat.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
The letter "S" in PMS stands for Satan... I'm pretty sure of this.
If I have 10 pieces of bacon and you take 5, what do you have? That's right! A black eye and a broken hand...
Sometimes people want to have full conversations in the morning, and it's ok to kill those people.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered...."Who ties your shoelaces for you?"
Before smartphones I remembered phone numbers. Like lots. Of all my friends and family. Was I Rain Man?
Does every day have to be a National this or that day? Every little thing doesn't need its own damn day.
Mexico. I need to decide what outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."
Don't walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
There are successful cliff divers.... and there's stuff on a rock.
Have yet to find one person who has actually been entertained by Cedric
That surprising moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one has made any sandwiches.
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