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I'm the kind of guy who brings Band Aids to a knife fight. 
Seeing a unicorn would be incredible and all, until you realize a wild animal with a spike on its head tends to enjoy spearing things to death.
Black smoke; no Pope has been chosen, White smoke; a Pope has been chosen, blue smoke; the pope mobile is running rich.
I wish I were a glow worm, A glow worm's never glum. "Cause how can you be grumpy, when the sun shines out your bum?!
One man's birthday is another man's free liquor day.
Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret...
Hey let me give a gift that will take a week to put together. I have included the manual and a DVD....Have Fun
On a day like Valentine's Day, some of the most dispiriting things single people can endure are the possibility of eternal solitude, questioning your own desirability, and worst of all, realizing the snap you just received is from Team Snapchat.
The chances of me letting you merge into traffic are inversely proportional to the number of douch bag bumper stickers you have on your car.
I'm at my most penguine when I'm trying to get from one bathroom to the next to get a roll of toilet paper.
This pepper spray feels like "No" really meant "No".
This weekend raise a glass to your mom since you're why she drinks in the first place.
A handful of almonds is a sensible snack to throw in someone's face & demand where the real snacks are
I could never hate someone for their political views when I can hate them for the way they chew.
They’re called mimosas because breakfast booze sounds too alcoholic-y.
plot twist........ it WAS my first rodeo
*First date. Her. "Shall we carve our names onto this tree" Me. "You brought a knife?"
They can quit giving me phone books. Just saying
She's not a slut, you guys... She just doesn't want anyone to feel left out.
you don’t get to say “long story short” 30 minutes into your stupid story about men, Janet.
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