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My grandson just told me that walking to school uphill both ways when I was a kid sounds odd, & I should have found an alternative route on my GPS.. 
Can we apply the first rule of Fight Club to everything and maybe you just don't talk?
doesn't really understand the big deal about walking a tightrope across Niagara Falls. I've been married for 14 years, try walking that tightrope Wallenda!
Still no Fathers Day card from my kids. Just because they are short, furry and talk funny is no excuse....it's hard being a single father.
screw Social Security and the national debt. Clemens lying to Congress about steroids is waaaay more important!!
If they don't care, neither should you. It's that simple.
Hollister should offer complimentary gas masks and ear plugs when you walk in the store.
Took a career aptitude test. My results: sports team mascot, bridge troll, sign twirler, petting zoo sh!t shoveler.
Grandma turned 84 today,Hope she like's the push up bra I got her.
Yard sales: When you want people to pay for your garbage!
Considering renting out my services to people who need awkward situations made awkwarder.
When those 3 phonecalls a day turn into a couple of text messages a week #DownHillRelationship
Lindsay Lohan...on the next Dog the Bounty Hunter?
All kids are gifted; some just open their packages earlier than others.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk free? 'Cause you get what you pay for, that's why.
it really Women's day and Fat Tuesday on the same day?
It's going to be weird still checking Facebook when I'm 70.
People you may know = People I'm ignoring & already know
Armored dog aided Navy SEALs. Somehow, “good dog” doesn't seem enough.
"Cushion for the Pushin", embrace the Curves... 