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If anyone actually believed the polls, there would be no rioting. 
Your gonna send your kid to school with a Paw Patrol mask and he’s gonna come home with a Spider-Man one cause he traded it at lunch. Next day the whole school will be shut down.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house …without stopping.
*feeling chest pain* probably need more pie
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I planned to work out and have a nice body for people to look at this summer, but then I remembered I like food more than I like people...
He died doing what he loved: Wearing a floral print romper to a biker bar.
I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my monitor if I leave it idle for 15 minutes. It's my screen savior.
O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season's Dancing With The Stars.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Today I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word "irony."
When I was younger I use to carry an extra pair of panties in my purse in case I got lucky. Now I carry them in case I sneeze
Don't run with bagpipes, you could put an aye out. Or worse, you could get kilt.
so what's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?
Went to a trendy night club. Doorman: "Sorry you can't come in you've had to many." Me: "I haven't been drinking." Doorman: "No not to many drinks........ To many Birthdays."
Bill Cosby ain't gonna like the type of "pudding pops" he's gonna be gettin in prison.
Instead of testing products on animals, how about testing on people who don’t say thank you after you hold the door open for them. Just a suggestion.
I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl." 