Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My Mom just said "I'm still hot! It just comes in flashes!"

   Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

   One of the hardest choices I have had to make in my adult life, give my change to the bell ringer outside of Wal-Mart or spend it in the toy vending machine in hopes that I get the cool watch I was wanting.

   Vegetarians - My food sh**ts on your food........

   Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,you can be pretty sure they're not using it.

   thanks his mum for teaching him TIME TRAVEL as a kid. She would always say: "straighten up or I'll knock you into next week!"

   Women say looks don't matter and all they want is a guy who is smart and funny. But all they end up doing is laughing at whatever the stupid good looking guy says.

   If "Twitter" wasn't such a lame name, and if it wasn't called "tweeting", I'd probably be into it.

   thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.

   If it isn't less than I'm doing right now, then it's hardly the least I can do.

   Why do I happen to wear black when I'm eating powdered donuts. Dammit.

   You will never understand people, just understand that.

   Dude... "Who else would put up with me?" is not a good compliment to give your girlfriend.

   My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

   I LOVE it when people are overly sarcastic. No, really, it's great! Thanks a bunch!

   My dog hired a Person Whisperer. So now I'm driving home with 87,000 chew toys and I don't know why

   Buying clothes once in awhile for a child doesn't make you a parent anymore than crapping on a windshield makes you a bird...

   Error: Facebook status removed due to awesomeness overload

   cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

   Dear My Head, Please start doing your job and kindly remove yourself from My Ass. And while ur down there please tell my liver I'm sorry. Thank you.