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if I screw up things between us, then it probably means that I like you. 
There are 650 Trillion differernt possible games of Chess. If you already knew that, then that explains why you are still a virgin.
I attribute my great patience to all the dial up porn I watched in the 90s ...
HER: "You are like my umbrella" HIM: "Because I protect you?" HER: "No, because you don't get me wet."
The first step toward drinking is admitting you're not drunk.
Why do people showoff by posting pics of the expensive and fancy alcohol they are drinking when at the end of the day we all get drunk just the same?
College is just a clever marketing ploy by Starbucks and Red Bull
As long as Mario is around, Luigi will forever be in the Friend Zone with Princess.
I always hate it when the toilet lid is down in public places because you have to wonder, was it good manners or is there something nasty lurking in there.......
I'm gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
Beyonce is sending prayers to her hometown of Houston... I bet if Harvey was a BLM protester tearing things up she'd be sending bail money.
Seven qualities I look for in a woman. 1. Beautiful. 2. Intelligent. 3. Gentle. 4. Thoughtful. 5. Innocent. 6. Trustworthy. 7. Sensible . Or in short B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
I'm on my third round of candy that we are not eating before Halloween.
I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom. Me: Take the car next time!
Safety pins are for Babies.
When terrorist parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique to feed their babies, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?
I'm convinced. New York has the largest demographic of nit-wits of any city on the planet.
Hillary made a deal with Bernie to get his endorsement. Translation: Hillary bought Bernie a suit from his favorite clothing store -- Sears.
... The Iranians say it was Ransom, One of the Hostages says it was Ransom,... But the guy that went on TV 57 times and said "You can keep your Doctor" .... Says it was a coincidence. 