Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'd give anything if I could just hear George Jefferson call us "Honky" one more time!

   Some people are only alive in this world because I really don't want to be someone's b!tch in prison

   Someone should invent padded underwear for men to get back at women for wearing pushup bras

   Shopping for a minivan at a car show while you're married is like going to a strip club and looking at the DJ.

   Each day of my life is like a chapter in a book.....deserving of a happy ending....

   Remember when I used to like you? Me neither.

   This one time, in 2009, I put my phone down for almost 8 minutes.

   I have a blind date and I keep having people tell me to just be myself. Are you kidding me? Have you read my FB post?

   It's not you. It's me. Actually, that's not true. It's someone else.

   The hardest part of halloween is making those skeletons stay in my closet where they belong

   The world is 4 trillion in debt. Just exactly which planet do we owe it to?

   Nothing says 'single and friendless' quite like a album full of pictures of yourself taken by yourself.

   Procrastination is a dish best served some other time.

   Where there is alcohol, there is a way.

   I've seen more of Kate Middleton's privates than my own wife's the past 2 years...

   I like to high-five after sex because cuddling with strangers is weird.

   The left lane is for club members only. If you're not sure if you're in the club, move over.

   don't look back, you're not going in that direction.

   I wrote a song for you. I hope you like it. It's called "Your Face Pisses Me Off."

   I think a lot better when my mind is blank!