Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   for an April Fools joke, I walked into Walmart wearing a see thru mesh wife beater, cut off jeans and no shoes. Turns out 16 other dudes thought of the same joke.

   If I was homeless I would dress up as a Coinstar machine and just sit there.

   If you're happy with any of these buffoons running for President you probably shouldn't be allowed to vote.

   I may be mean but at least I use my fcuking blinker.

   RIP: The artist formerly known as Alive.

   just hoping Jerry Sandusky had another bad day in prison at the hands of Bubba.

   a wise man knows the rules but a wiser man knows the exceptions.

   I'm home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl's buying another load of laundry.

   When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like, "Hey, who knew they had a Chipotle up here?"

   Diamonds are not a girls best friend, it's anything that vibrates.

   If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.

   has the NYPD found the "Vandals" that took the American flags off the Brooklyn Bridge and replaced them with French flags yet?

   COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"... ME: "So it wouldn't be as windy and easier to hear when we talked?."

   From 8am until 11:59 a.m,,,, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch

   If you really want to get under someone's skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.

   I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!

   Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.

   When you realize winter is still 5 week away!

   I hope the next iPhone has a stronger Vibrator.

   Today is one of those days where I wonder where it all went wrong. Then I realize it's never been right.