Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.

   Sorry about those texts last night. My phone was drunk.

   Just because I liked your status, doesn't mean I actually read it. More to make you feel like someone actually cares about what you have to say.

   A noise just came from my closet. I'm really hoping it's the Boogeyman and not R Kelly.

   The LIKE button: also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything.

   If SOPA really goes down.... I might murder a government official, armed only with an empty iPod and ear phones...

   You call them enemies, I call them people who wish they were me.

   Apparently "preparing myself for Cinco de Mayo" is not a good reason to be drunk at work today, who knew?

   If words could kill, I'd sentence you to death.

   If weddings were for couples there would be men's wedding magazines.

   Of course I talk to myself - sometimes I need expert advice!

   People are tired of hearing about my girlfriend troubles, especially my wife.

   I bet guys named Matt who take yoga classes get picked on a lot.

   The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.

   You Know You High if you use the flashlight on your phone, to try and find your phone.

   Some people just need to change their status updates to, “Needs attention.”

   You know you're married when you find her sexier with clothes on.

   Bikini season...lets use some good judgement, if you cant see the top of your bikini bottom without squirmin....dont wear it

   I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said: "Bathroom closed."

   I feel a sin coming on!