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Awesome idea for a new reality show. Amanda Knox and Cassey Anthony locked in a house together. We get to see who makes it out alive. 
Women don't trust Men, not because they cheat but because they know how scandalous and shady other Women are!
If I had it to do all over again, I'd do it all over you.
I Typed in search box on Google : "What do woman want?". Google Replied : "We are also searching..."
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my a$$ tied together..... I sh!t you knot."
The name brand bologna was on sale and actually cheaper than the store brand today but I still bought the store brand because I don't want my family getting used to such luxuries...
People who put the toilet paper roll facing in are the worst human beings.
Well, this is my favorite time of year! Coming up this weekend...on Friday and Saturday before super bowl, they will have the BEST free samples at Costco.
There are two things a man can never hide: 1. When he`s drunk, and 2. and when he's in love...
When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old grandpa..." I want them to worry - "I hope he is not armed with AK 47..."
Hate when I'm having a great day and someone speaks to me.
Think I will wear my new underwear tonight... Yesssssss!!
4 hours and 59 minutes ago I took a 5 Hour Energy shot, so these are my final words as an energetic man. It was fun while it lasted.
I have to get out of the car... but I like this song.
Seems like MTV is moments away from just using people's vacation footage as television programming.
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Why isn't "talk like Samuel L. Jackson day" a thing yet?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder...but Abstinence makes the arm grow stronger.
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn't even be nominated.
I have a friend with only one eye. I like to show him weird sh*t and tell him "You won't believe your eye!"
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