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Whenever I see a piece of gum in a urinal it makes me cringe. I just can't imagine the pain that caused on the way out! And also how does it not come out like silly string? 
I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.
Screaming out "BOOM PREGNANT!" during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
ßî†chës be trippin.. OK, I may have pushed a few.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
I'm sorry I keep looking at your chest while you're talking. It's just so beautiful. What is it, oak?
I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back. unbelievably rude."
I think we're old enough for a Karate Chop button on Facebook.
We're going to IKEA. I might get a Strömphümpclūmpër, if they haven't got any of those I'll just buy some Płürplöpš and a höööphükïnéll..
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store; not a government agency.
Do you think in Heaven there is going to be a "White" Christian caucus? A "Black" Christian club? Think again. When we leave this earth, we leave this physical body behind which includes your skin color.
I'm white,, but not "donates to PBS public television for $50 a month to receive a Free DVD of the programm I just watched for Free".. white.
Goal for 2014: Continue to live forever. So far, so good.
'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please? ''Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'
I stared into the abyss and the abyss was like, "Uh my eyes are up here!"
They say money can't buy you happiness, but I've got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
My pet rock turned 4,054,870,001 today
I know what you did 23 summers ago - Women
I'm just here so I won't get fined.
Experts think the Oscar for best picture will go to Boyhood or Bird-man. Kanye West thinks it will go to Beyoncé. 