Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Do you think anyone would be offended if I added them to my "Masturbated To" list? Asking for a friend.

   Just got a message from Jaheem Kofi, the kid I'm feeding for $.50 a day in Ivory Coast... he wants his NY Ranger 2014 Stanley Cup Champions T-shirt in small.

   Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

   I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there's only 36 shades of grey

   Handjobs from girls who speak sign language are technically blowjobs

   Hey kids, know what's harder than graduating from college? Busting your a$$ for $hit wages the rest of your life...

   At the end of Goonies, Chunk says to Sloth, “you’re gonna live with me now.” Why isn’t that a movie yet?

   I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?

   Technically, I don't have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I'm not doing anything.

   thinks laughter is the second best medicine. The best medicine is medicine.

   hoping for the falling satellite to hit the entire cast of Jersey Shore.

   “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

   The Asian B0ner -> Often Mistaken For a Third N!pple.

   The ice cream man has been turning his music off on our block since the day we paid with a protein-crusted sock full of corroded pennies.

   If a girl will go out in public with bed head, there's a lot of other stuff she will do. Marry her.

   Fine dont text me back then. Its not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything

   I'd like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I'm afraid they'll be used against me in a court of law someday.

   I met a cute girl in the tampon aisle today... so I asked if she'd be free to go out for dinner in 5-7 days...

   When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!

   Anyone else having trouble with these nicotine patches? Mine melt as soon as I light them.